Election – Is It Just A Gameshow Called ‘Democracy’?


Just in case you’ve been away for the last couple of months and have returned to find an atmosphere of apathy sweeping our nation, I can reveal that today is the day of our much hyped General Election.

By placing a small ‘x’ next to the name of someone you have probably never met – and probably never will – you will be participating in the greatest game show UK TV has ever produced. It’s called ‘Democracy’ but is better known as ‘We Can All Elect A New Government!’

The two main players are the red team and the blue team. In addition there are teams of varying shades of both main colours who all vie to share a small portion of the prize money presented to the winning team.

Five years ago, when the last episode was produced, I was genuinely hooked and felt I had to follow every twist and turn. This time however, I feel like I am watching a tired old repeat.

The main players in the game have to convince a watching public that they alone truly deserve to be the winners.There are various rounds during the build up to the main prize:

Round One:

In this initial round the team captains have to convince the audience that as team leaders they are competent to make life saving decisions on our behalf. They need to demonstrate how they will do that by providing promises they say they will keep for a five year term – but have not managed to demonstrate in the previous five year period since the last episode.

Round Two:

‘It’s Your Fault’ is the round where the team leaders have to blame the other teams for creating a list of dilemmas they claim only they can solve – but only if the audience can first be persuaded to accept a fair degree of pain.

Round Three:

‘What’s my Lie’ is the round where audience members have to guess the huge ‘porkie(s)’ hidden within the previous list of dilemmas.

During each of the above rounds, the red and blue team captains can, at any time, call upon the leaders of the minor teams to back up their stories and try to add credibility to their original lie(s).

Round Four

‘I’m Just Like You’ is the round where each team leader attempts to convince the viewer(s) they are not politicians but are just ‘ordinary people’ working for a living wage. Scenarios like lecturing while drinking a pint, eating a bacon sarnie and walking around without a jacket or tie, and with shirt sleeves rolled up to the biceps, are all permitted.

If there’s a draw on any round, the leaders of the reds and the blues can bribe one of the minor teams to join their side and, by using devious means, set them up to be blamed for any future failure(s) over the next five years

Once the shouting, foot stomping, pleading stares to camera and insults are over, the final result is decided by the viewing public.

Thankfully, the producers of the programme haven’t cottoned on to using expensive premium rate phone numbers for voting yet,(which is surprising given the desire to use any means possible to reduce the last government’s deficit) but maybe they will by the time the next episode is recorded in five years time (or less)!

The original title for the show was going to be ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. Luckily, though, a legal dispute concerning the Trade Descriptions Act combined with the fact some obscenely wealthy bloke had already made a more entertaining show using the same name, scuppered that plan for good.

Besides which, the voting figures for the wealthy bloke’s show always far exceeded those of ‘Democracy’

It seems everyone’s a winner!